Hands up, who’s ever written a book on drugs? Not me, that’s for sure! Yet.
Of course there’s many who believe that Lewis Carroll was on a couple of narcs when he introduced Alice to Wonderland. Personally I’ve never dabbled in LSD, but thanks to Google you can now add an artificially intelligent layer onto any image to replicate the very same effect that acid has on the brain. Look! You can access the ‘deep dream’ code here. And if Google can create a code that gives me more confidence and charm so that I don’t have to drink so much alcohol socially then even better! So, whilst the promise of eternal sobriety is almost too much to take, here’s 6 brand new impossible things you can believe whilst consuming magic mushrooms, wacky baccy or way too many space cakes.
1. Your mobile phone knows when you’re depressed. Sure, I get sad sometimes. And when I’m sad, my digital behaviour changes accordingly to becoming exclusively about this performance of James Arthur singing Wrecking Ball and videos of wild animals being reunited with the brave men and women who saved them, 20 years ago. It’s just the kind of content that reminds the tear ducts who’s boss.
But I am one woman and broad sweeping statistical statements based on me alone would be far from robust. Luckily there’s studies. The Journal of Medical Internet Research had a hunch that you could probably find out a fair bit about someone’s mood and mental state simply by collecting relevant digital – and more specifically mobile – data. They conducted a study of loads of people (way more than just me): tracking their mobile telephone behaviour, locations visited and changes in mood for two weeks and found that depressed people spend on average four times as long on their mobile phones as those who weren’t – that’s 68 minutes a day compared with 17 minutes.
(Rumours that researchers also found a disproportionate amount of Google searches among the depressed cohort for ‘Marilyn Monroe quotes’, ‘detox juice diet’ and a selection of ex-boyfriends’ names are as yet unconfirmed.) So next time you and me are hanging out and I’m watching Beyoncé Vines on my phone instead of talking maybe think about someone else for a change and understand that instead of being and rude and disinterested, I’m probably just going through a really hard time at the moment or something. Seriously you can be SO self-obsessed at times.
2. You’re screaming wrong. The only time I really scream is on theme park rides, and even then it’s pathetic and self-aware. You’re not gonna open up your lungs on account of the dodgems, and even on a headfuck like Oblivion you’ve got what, 20 seconds for a good piercing cry? But everyone else is piercing and crying at the same time so essentially it’s a scream wasted. But we’ve all heard the perfect scream, right? Whether it’s on a horror film or whilst we’re walking past a playground at lunchtime (ON THE WAY TO TESCO NOTHING WEIRD) there’s a knack, so let’s all read this article and practice at work for the rest of the day.
Neuroscientists have recently been studying what makes a scream a scream (honestly, how do I find a job like this?) and the answer is ROUGHNESS. It’s the speed at which the volume of the scream changes, like: aaaaaaAAAAGGGGHHHH! You see? Or rrroooaaaAAAARRRRR! Or even ooooooOOOOOOHHHHHH (if it was a ghost screaming). If you get a good roughness of scream, at a loudness of up to 150 hertz, that’s when the sound is powerful enough to really get our amygdala going (the emotional part of the brain, which coincidentally has the word Amy in it, which I love).
3. 60% of kidnapping victims are released unharmed. If you’ve never thought about what you’d do in a hostage situation then you’re an idiot. Same applies if you haven’t worked out in your house a) where you’d hide if there was a masked serial killer on the loose and b) what window your lover would escape from if the ball and chain came home unexpectedly during their lunch hour. Luckily these guys are here to help you with a healthy dose of reality and advice for what to do if you ever get kidnapped, so that you’re not one of the 40% that ends up dead.
Some of the absolutely essential tips include shouting fire (not help) because then people are more likely to pay attention, to run in the different direction of the kidnapper’s car (so they have to turn around) and to think about leaving a trail of belongings or ‘bits’, much like Hansel and Gretel. And don’t even THINK about developing Stockholm Syndrome. That won’t help you at all.
4. Medieval women were WELL mouthy. It’s been proven throughout history that women should be seen and not heard. Take all those world wars that were started by women, for example. And the mass genocide that women have been responsible for. And all those religions that are really anti-women, they’re good aren’t they. And they were all totally started by women!
So torturers in medieval times had the right idea with the Scold’s Bridle, the perfect antidote for women that talked too much and enjoyed a gossip! If a lady got a bit loose of lip then all the authorities had to do was whack the bridle on her head, like a mask, and she’d be locked in, unable to speak with her tongue literally tied for as long as the man in charge fancied. This way, women learned a powerful lesson that talking too much is not just rude it’s WRONG, and when they were eventually able to speak again you bet your bottom dollar they’d tell all their girlfriends about it on Sunday at church! Hahaha. I read somewhere (I think it might have been at the Museum of Torture in London Bridge) that this contraption was nicknamed ‘the chatterbox’ which is where the phrase originally came from, but I can’t find the source anywhere. But who needs sources when you’ve got common sense?
Seems silly, doesn’t it, that a machine would be created to stop women talking too much? Thankfully society has moved on and now they’re just statistically more likely to get interrupted or ignored.
5. Tinder’s going hands-free. Hands free? Waheeeeeey. What do you need those hands for, eh? Waheeeeeeeeeeey! But seriously, who would wank over Tinder? Does the thought of 10 year old profile pictures and the feeling of intense disappointment turn you on? Oh my god me too it’s a match!!!!!! But that’s not what this is about, anyway.
Based on the dubious assumption that lots of people will buy an Apple watch and then once they’ve bought it they’ll use it and keep it, app developers are having a field day with the added layer of closeness you can get from a piece of wearable technology. And so Tinder have released an Apple Watch application that doesn’t even need old school swiping, you pick people based on how they make your heart and pulse race! Romantic, huh? Not really.
6. These monkeys have never seen the sky. OOOWWWWWWW! It hurts! It hurts with nice! The internet’s become even more obsessed with animals recently and not just the cuteness, there’s been an increasing spotlight on the despicable treatment animals get across the world unnecessarily… whether it’s beagle factories or Slow Loris tickling (don’t even get me started on Cecil). It all sucks. Animal charities have always needed to shock, but this story surprise, saddens, warms the heart and all of the above at once. These chimps have lived in a lab all their lives, having been ‘tested on’ (I don’t have deets as to how, sorry) until today. In the clip we see the animals being released into the fresh air for the first time, and basically having their minds blown by that crazy blue thing up above and that weirdass green shit on the floor.
I’ve been thinking… The internet boasts ‘making people cry’ among its special skills, but there seems to have been a rise in emotional content over the last few months, even year. I’VE noticed it and I hardly ever notice anything (jokes – I notice everything). Is this something to do with the fact that in 2014 Facebook discovered that sad content is more shareable? Or since last year’s no make up selfies and ice bucket challenges we’ve hit upon a formula that me + good + everyone else = brilliant feelings?
Humans haven’t changed that much, reaaaaally. For millennia mankind has found itself prone to huge dramatic gestures of goodwill or sacrifice, but to appease or evoke emotion from the Gods. It was these Gods that deserved our worship, our attention and our love because the Gods alone would decide our fate. We slaughtered, we saved, we built entire arks JUST SO THAT THEM UPSTAIRS WOULD GIVE US SOME BLOODY ATTENTION! But what’s happening now is that we’re increasingly ‘doing good’ to evoke emotion not from Gods, but from people. Whether it’s a flash mob to celebrate a teacher’s career or a random high fiver, someone saving a life or giving a speech about equality, we’re sharing the results to seek this approval and emotion from ourselves. We’re being better people because of the immediate recognition it derives from our peers, rather than what an unknown entity can reward us with in another life. I guess what I’m trying to say is that maybe the internet is replacing religion and we’re becoming our own Gods who collectively worship each other for the sake of happiness and fulfillment in this lifetime, with the World Wide Web acting as major catalyst for true global secularisation?
Wooooooah, Keano.
Chill out.
I took it too far, didn’t I.
Beliefs are complicated aren’t they LOL! Anyway apparently you can ‘follow’ this blog by pressing the button up the top there so next time I write something you get an email. Take care xoxoxoxo
6thingsimpossible 